What The Keyboard Recommends
by Lupin3Black
Summary: Remus Lupin is a nerdy, adorable twenty-four year old preschool teacher. He's small and practically lives in oversized woollen jumpers and muddy converse boots. Sirius Black is a confident,sexy twenty-five year old, he has a job as a web-site designers and wears leather jackets and has a ponytail. What do they have in common? Their both trying out Internet dating. Remusxsirius
1. Chapter 1

**a/N- So this is just a project that I'll be updating frequently until I can make enough time to update my other fics. I always get PMs about not updating, and they just make me not want to update because I've always liked to defy people and y'know I have a life outside fanfiction, it may just be homework and reading but it takes up a lot of my time, okay? I like reviews, I do. But if someone says "ermagawd, you haven't updated in like totes forever," then I will seriously will beat you. So please, leave a review and your own risk.**

**P.s I'm in a bad mood. Correct me on my grammar and I will freaking eat you.**

**-Lupin3Black**

Sirius Black laughed nervously, reclining back in his chair so that it was balanced on two legs, his long dark hair was tied in a disheveled ponytail as he attempted to tell a very moody James Potter about how crazy his plan was, "Listen, mate, I know it worked for you and Lils, but that kinda thing ain't for me, alright? I mean, I know it does work, because heh, look at you and Lily, you've got everything apart from the two point five kids, well, you have Harry, but I don't want that. I mean, I love Harry and yeah, a decent relationship would be nice, but that's not the route for me."

James grunted at him, his hazel eyes peering at him tiredly from behind his owlish glasses, "C'mon Sirius, you wake me up and four oh clock in the bleeding morning to tell me you broke up with billbobbybiscuitface-"

"Er-John."

James glares at him and forcefully repeats himself, "I said billbobbybiscuitface, because he only wanted to sleep with you, and I offered you an idea, okay? And you're going to take it, because honestly, if I have to hear anymore of billbobbybiscuitface or heaven's forbid, NeddyNathanKnobhead then I might just explode. And y'know, I don't feel like exploding. So I suggest you take my freaking idea, and shove it up your-"

Sirius quickly butts in, smiling indulgently at his grumpy but tired friend, "Yeah James! Brilliant idea mate! I'm going to head home immediately and start work on that. Internet Dating it is!" He's smiling so wide that his face feels like it could split in too, but James is freaking terrifying when he's sleep deprived and the best thing is to let him go back to sleep.

James mutters something unintelligible and flops forward snoring into his stale cup of tea that Sirius didn't make, because Sirius can barely turn the tap on let alone make tea, he presumes it was there from this morning.

Sirius can only hope for James's sake that it doesn't have a skin, because really, that's just gross.

(Pagebreak)

is a pretty simple place. It was completely cliché, the background being red with white and pink hearts dotted about, Sirius felt the puke rising in the back of his throat when he clicked 'register' but the thought of James tearing him limb from limb if he dared mention NeddyNathanKnobhead once more made him press on the little dancing heart that declared, '_Your destiny starts here!'_

The questions started off pretty simple, **'What is your name?**' starting off the whole affair. When Sirius typed in _'Sirius Orion Black_' he was half expecting the computer to respond with, '**Are you fucking kidding me?'** Because god, his parents must of hated him. 'Oh right!' Sirius laughed aloud in his empty flat, 'They do hate me!'

It only went downhill from there.

**What age are you?** _Twenty-five_

**What year were you born? **Sirius raises his eyebrows at that one, because can't people do simple math anymore, just take twenty-five away from two thousand and thirteen and you'll have your answer. But he dutifully types _1988_.

**Why are you using this website?**- _My insane friend is sick and tired about me whining about billbobbybiscuitface and NeddyNathanKnobhead._

**What is your perfect date?**- Sirius frowns, he's never really had dates, he's had takeaways in front of the telly with James and chucking curry at the screen when a footballer does something utterly crap, but that doesn't count because it's freaking James and that'll be like snogging his brother. He's had shoving his hand down someone's pants in the bathroom in the three broomsticks but he's pretty sure that doesn't count either. So he writes '_I dunno something warm, preferably with food that hasn't been reheated or sneezed on_.'

**Men or women?** Sirius snorts, 'Well that's blunt.' He thinks before smirking deviously and writing, _'Men. Definitely men.'_

**What's your ideal woman/man?** '_One with a cock, that's for sure. And funny, and this is going to sound vain but he can't be ugly. I talk a lot so probably someone quiet or else it'll just be the pair of us talking until it gets louder and louder until the freaking roof falls off. Must not mind unannounced exaggerations.'_ Sirius thinks back to earlier questions and adds, _'Must be able to do basic maths.'_

This is when the questions start to get a little fucked up, because why the fuck would a 'suitable mate' (Jesus freaking Christ on a bicycle who the hell says 'mate' anymore. They aren't canines!) need to know whether or not Sirius prefers dolphins to unicorns.

When he's finished with the eighty-eight question long test, he has to move on to his profile, which, he can make a little more like himself than that freaking questionnaire. He's giggling the whole way through it like a schoolgirl, which could possibly be the influence of the three bottles of beer he was forced to consume after a particularly horrible question of, '**Your mate **(there's that word again!) **ties you up for a kink, but gets a phone call, he takes it and walks out of the room. What do you do?'** (He'd written, '_cut off his third leg'_)

For the picture he choses a relatively simple one. Well, simple for Sirius Black anyway. There's no denying that he looks freaking wonderful but that's to be expected. His long black hair is loose so that it falls around his shoulders and his silver eyes are sparkling with laughter. The ex-heir is dressed in his favourite leather jacket and white-shirt and he's sitting on his bike. The picture alone is able to get him a couple messages.

He ends up with the following;

**Name**; _Sirius Orion Black. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, my parents are wankers._

**Age**; _Twenty-five, which means I was born in 1988 for those who can't do basic math._

**Where do you live?;** _That's a creepy question. But I live in England, London to be exact. In a wonderful flat by myself._

**What do you like in a guy?-** _Ooh! It's finally got my sexuality right! I like...a sense of humour, I'd hate to be bored to tears around you. At least kinda smart, dumb guys who drool aren't my type. I quite like blondes, but like a tawny blonde. Smaller than me, so below six foot three. Someone who's not afraid of public affection, I mean, not full-blown sex or nothing, just holding hands or a hug or something like that._

**Bio**- _I'm guessing that means about me, right? I'm a dude. Obviously. I work designing web-pages for companies that are relatively cool. I'm a bit wonky in the head-fuck, no I shouldn't write that. I mean, I don't have any difficulties, I'm not retarded or anything, Jesus is that offensive? Fuck, moving on. I don't mind parties, but I like sitting in as well, preferably in front of the fire, with someone's head in my lap, in a totally non-perverted way._

_I don't like dogs, people say I look like a dog-person but I'm really not. Their muddy and messy. Cat's are okay. They'll cuddle you. And don't send me a message complaining about me not liking dogs. That's just not on okay?_

_I'm a bit messy, I don't clean up after myself though I really should. I leave stuff lying everywhere, just this morning I found a thong in my fish tank. Two things, It was a woman's thong and I haven't slept with a woman since I was 17 and two; I had a fish tank?_

_My best mate made me join this website because apparently I was annoying him complaining about my screwy-relationships._

_Now let's go into deep shit: I'm not looking for a fling, I could pick one of those up at a bar in five minutes. I'm looking for an honest-to-god relationship where we talk about complete and utter shit and when we kiss I don't feel like I'm just using them. I want compassion and all the crap that comes with it._

_Only message me if you meet the criteria. If you're a girl, I'm sorry. But you're missing a body-part, love._

_-Sirius Black._

(Pagebreak)

Remus

"Alice, I don't want to." Remus argues, biting his lip and adapting the puppy-eyes that can usually get him out of anything. Alice Prewitt (his best friend) , knowing this, avoids his eyes and continues typing on his battered up laptop that she stole from its rightful place on the kitchen table. "This-this really isn't my kind of thing!" He waves his hand and squirms on the sofa, this is awkward. He doesn't want to do this! He may not of had a decent relationship in ages but he doesn't want to turn to internet dating! He's a teacher! What if one of his student's parents found it? Oh god! That'd be awful!

"Nonsense Remus! Of course you want to! You're just in denial! We've gotten through the questionnaire already, it's too late to back out now!" She grins maliciously and shows him the picture she chose for his profile, knowing her completely useless at anything even remotely technical best friend won't be able to change it. "Aw Rem! You look cute in this one!"

Remus squeaks indignantly at the choice of photo, he wasn't even conscious when Alice and his other friend Marlene snuck into his flat and took this picture. He's asleep, his blonde hair tousled and his mouth slightly open. He's completely naked! 'Well, you can only really see from the shoulders up soo...' The sensible part of his brain butts in, which he hastily quiets 'I'll know I'm naked. And that's enough!' He thinks.

"Alice! You said you deleted that picture!" He pouted and Alice laughs, reaching over and ruffling his tawny hair. He feels about eight when she does that, even though he's twenty four. Only three years younger than her. He crosses his arms and furrows his brow, knowing he probably looks even younger now.

"Aw Remus, if you weren't gay. I totally date you, you're completely adorable. Plus, that photo is really hot and adorable so you'll get a date no bother. I have to go now, I've paper's to grade. But you have to finish the profile. Pinky promise?" Alice holds out her pinky and Remus reluctantly shakes it.

"I'm not adorable. I'm a twenty four year old preschool teacher. I'm really manly! I mean, I have chest hair and everything-awww! Hey snooksums! How's my little kitty-cat!" Remus breaks off his tangent as a small carmel coloured kitten climbs into his lap and burrows down, he coos at it then flusters, realising what he's done. He blinks up at Alice sheepishly, "Yeah, okay." He mutters, avoiding her know-it-all look, "I'll finish the damn profile."

(Pagebreak)

Sirius was looking through some of his matches the next day and they all looked pretty sucky. They were all either ridiculously attractive and swarming with charisma or eighty-year old men with creepy smiles and beards to their elbows. Needless to say he didn't feel a 'connection' with any of them.

He was more interested in hitting the button in the corner that said 'random' and making fun of all the needy, desperate looking ones. He clicks it again, and is intrigued to see a completely adorable guy sleeping in the photo. He's bare-chested and Sirius licks his lips as he wonders whether or not he's completely bare, shitfuck, that was creepy. He's probably still a little drunk.

Tearing his eyes away from the photo, he reads the profile,and laughs to see that this Remus guy had it worse than him.

**Name**; _Oh, uh, Remus. Remus John Lupin._

(Sirius is pretty sure that this guy's the only one that can make typing sound awkward.)

**Age**; _I'm twenty-four._

(Around his age too, this Remus guy is looking better and better.)

**Where do you live; **_Well that's personal. I live in Croydon. Which is in England. Though most people know that._

(Sirius is pretty sure that Croydon is quite close to where he lives. He kinda lives on the border of London. But it would still take him a while to get there. That is, if anything ever did happen between them, though it wouldn't. Because this is internet dating, and James and Lily were just one lucky couple who weren't set up with creeps.)

**What do you like in a guy?-** _Great, even the computer thinks I'm gay. I don't think I've specified my sexuality here yet...and no. There was a question whether or not I like guys or girls wasn't there? Crap, how do you delete words? I'm really sucky at technology. So probably someone good at technology. Preferably funny. Someone who talks, but can also listen when they really need too. I'm a bookish person, so I'd need someone to pull me out of my sheep, I mean shell! I really can't type on this thing and spellcheck is the bane of my existence._

**Bio**- _What on earth does one put in this section? I'm small? No, literally I'm a midget-Jesus no I'm not. That's offensive isn't it? How the hell does one get rid of words? Everything that comes out of my mouth is word-vomit seriously. Be prepared for that. I'm sorry, my dad's part Irish and some of his slang has rubbed off on me and I'm moving on now because I'm literally babbling as I type. Is that even possible? Okay so, I'm small, I'm 5'8. Which isn't that small. But it's small for someone in my family. Everyone's a giant and I'm always so small around everyone-and you don't particularly care, do you?_

_Word vomit. I swear!_

_I'm a pre-school teacher,so you could say I like children-oh god that sounds creepy. I'm not a pervert, I swear. Oh man, that's exactly what a pervert would say! I'm really not though. A pervert that is._

_About the photo, I didn't post it. My ex-best mate did. Ex-best mate because she's the one who forced me on this blasted website. My new best mate is my cat, Padfoot. I mean, it's me in the photo. I just wasn't aware that she was taking the photo and I really don't know how to change it._

_Let's sum this all up; I'm apparently offensive to the vertically challenged. I'm not a pervert but I do like children (that just sounds creepy anyway I put it) and my best friends a cat. Wonderful. I'm bound to get a date. I really am a man-magnet, seriously they swarm towards me-fuck I'm shutting up now. Honestly._

_Er...goodbye? Do I say goodbye? Who the hell am I talking to anyway?_

(Pagebreak)

Sirius laughed as his cruiser hovered over the button, '_Message_'.

**A/n sorry for being in a bad mood earlier. I'm fine now though. :). Honestly. Feel free to correct my grammar. Review! Um, yeah please review. **

**-lupin3black **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N This chapter is dedicated to the person who decided to point out all my flaws! :). LOVE YOU!**  
**Lol, thanks for what you wrote in the reviews guys. I totally love you. Honest. **  
**-Lupin3black**

**(Pagebreak)**

Sirius's cruiser hovered over the 'message' button, he cast one last glance at the adorable male sleeping in the picture, his tawny dark hair spilling over his forehead carelessly, his long dark eyelashes fanned out against his cheek. The pink pouty mouth slightly open against the navy bedspread that cast shadows across the younger males face.

He clicked the button and only realised when the page changed.

(Pagebreak)

Remus was curled up on his old sofa, his skinny legs tucked in beside him as he rested a book on his knees, a cup of tea balanced precariously on the saggy arm of the chair, his amber eyes were drooping closed in a steadily fashion, the warmth of the nearby fire soothing him into a peaceful lull-

'BING' Remus jumped and fell from the sofa harshly, his stick-like legs flailing in the wrk, the book he treasured so much was sent tumbling into the fire which roared to life from its previous state, the cup of tea spiralling onto the carpet, Remus was wide awake and squealing, all previous thoughts of a quiet nap chased away by the harsh bright screen of his shoddy laptop.

"Bugger." Remus announced to his otherwise silent flat. He rubbed at his eyes and glared at the fire as in devoured his copy of The Hobbit. Groaning, the teacher struggled to sit up, watching as the tea seeped into his dark blue carpet, forming a stain that was not unlike the others that crowded the old fabric. He clambered into the patched sofa again and reached for his laptop, pulling the contraption onto his pyjama-clad knees

_'You have one new message!'_ The dancing love icon informed him cheerfully, portraying a grin that should definitely not be allowed to be in public. Remus realised with a start that he'd kept the dating website tab open on the blasted laptop all night, with one hand he reach for the now-empty tea cup and sat it upright, preventing any more leakages.. The declaration on the perverted dancing heart also had two buttons, '_View_' or '_Dismiss_'.

Feeling that something had to come of his book and carpet stains, he clicked view.

(Pagebreak)

**Padfoot'sAMansBestFriend: Hello, my names Sirius Black. Can I ask what yours is?**

Sirius paused as he sent it, he knew this guy's name already, but he didn't want to sound like a creepy stalker, so he supposed it would do. He sat back in his computer chair and looked around his small office which was supposed to be the second bedroom in his city flat. He should probably clean it, the aristocrat noted with a grimace, there was green stuff growing on a piece of unrecognisable food that used to be funny but now was just disgusting.

Moony'sAWerewolf- Uh, hi, I'm Remus Lupin.

Sirius grinned, apparently Remus's adorable awkwardness wasn't just some elaborate plan to seem more cute than he already was. He quickly typed his reply.

**Padfoot'sAMansBestFriend- Sooo, what's with the user name? It's pretty cool, but doesn't make much sense?**

User names are a good way to start, Sirius thought to himself proudly, taking a slug from the orange juice on his desk. It's a way too break the ice.

Moony'sAWerewolf- Um, it's a long story. When I came out in second year, I'd been really nervous about coming out so I told my mates to guess. One of my dimwitted friends asked me if I was a werewolf.

**Padfoot'sAMansBestFriend- That explains the werewolf part, but what about Moony?**

Moony'sAWerewolf- oh um yeah, I daydreamed a lot in school. They called me Moony for it, and uh, it kinda stuck.

**Padfoot'sAMansBestFriend- aw! Moony's a cute nickname.**

(Pagebreak)

Remus's nostrils flared angrily, 'I am not cute! I'm very manly I'll have you know. I do own a screwdriver.' Only when he hit the send button did he realise it sounded a bit like he was flirting. He's never flirted before! Oh hell! How does one continue from here? _Quickly Remus! Change the subject._

**Padfoot'sAMansBestFriend- Oh really? ;)**

Moony'sAWerewolf- SO WHATS YOUR USERNAME FROM?

'_Real subtle Remus._' He berated himself quietly, groaning in frustration.

**Padfoot'sAMansBestFriend-... Okay? So, I went to boarding school and snuck out all the time, I was never caught so I got dubbed Padfoot. And 'AMansBestFriend' well, I hope you can figure that out for yourself? ;)**

Oh mother of Zeus! A winky face! They were the epitome of flirting! They were the flirting symbol! If you sent one of them you were basically saying 'I'm here, I'm queer and I'm ready!'

Calm down Remus. Okay. Change the subject again. Subtly.

Moony'sAWerewolf; IVE GOT TO GO FEED MY WASH MACHINE.

Remus hit the power button and started breathing erratically . '_Bloody idiot_!' He told himself yet again, '_You don't even own a wash machine!"_

(Pagebreak)

"...so then he typed 'I've got to feed my wash machine' in caps locks and left the chat. What do you think I did, Lils?" Sirius whined, firing up the Potter's laptop and quickly tapping in the sites URL. "He's kind of completely adorable and I really want to talk to him. He lives close, he's my age, and he's blithering gorgeous! Plus he's smaller than me! It's epic! He's epic!"

Lily smiled politely, "And yet he feeds his wash machine." Lily was bored, she now knew how James felt, sitting here and listening to Sirius's complaints. "Hurry up. I want to see the guy who made Sirius Black say 'adorable'". Sirius said nothing as he clicked on Remus's profile and immediately the man's sleeping face popped up. Sirius gave himself a minute to drool at it before sliding it over to the redhead opposite him.

"Oh. My. God." Lily gasped, staring at the screen with her jaw dropped dramatically.

"Isn't he hot?"

"Sweet mother of fuck!"

"Er. Lily? You're married and he's mine."

"Jesus. Sirius, I know him!"

"Wait-what! You know the sex-bomb and failed to tell me!"

"I didn't think he was your type!"

"Lily! Every guy is my friend! But never mind that, how the fuck do you know him?!"

"He's Harry's preschool teacher!"

(Pagebreak)

"A winky face, Marlene!" Remus cried in the staff room, waving his ham sandwich about and narrowly missing Kingsley Shacklebolt, who was the primary seven teacher, the tall man didn't flinch, he'd been friends with the energetic blonde long enough, never mind Remus, he doesn't now how the preschool kids keep up with him! "We all know about winky faces!"

Beside him Alice Prewitt was snorting into her cup of tea, completely oblivious to the other preschool teacher's states. Mr. Frank Longbottom who took the hufflepuff group had fancied Alice for quite a while. Even Remus could see him.

Kingsley shook his head and continued with his salad, not even moving when he was hit in the face with a large piece of ham, accompanied by Remus's apologies.

**A/N so, I needed to update and this is what happened. Is it as bad as I think it was? I know I just skimmed through scenes only for a couple paragraphs but I wanted y'all to know what the other was doing. Next chapter won't be like that I promise. PLEASE EVERYONE REVIEW ITS BETTER THAN CATS**

**-Lupin3black**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three One

Sirius Black had a plan. An honest to god, actual plan. He was usually a live in the moment kinda guy but right now, at this very moment, he had a plan.

Step one: He would wake up at half-six and roll out of bed, bright-eyed and bushy tailed, and shower, using his fabulous lime shower-gel that attracted men from the four corners of the earth, although for now he had his sights on one in particular.

Step two; He would style his hair into that messy perfection that everyone love, before locking the door to his home and climbing aboard his motorcycle and going to the Potters, taking a quick stop towards the stop'n'shop as he did so.

Step three; Lily Potter would open the door at half six in the morning, her bright red hair sitting on the top of her head, seemingly attempting to impersonate a hedge, yawning loudly, re-tying the sash around her yellow dressing gown with one hand as she did so.

Step four; "Mornin' Lily!" Sirius would chirp happily, wide awake and armed with bagels and milk, "I'm here to take Harry to school!" He'll announce smiling at her blindingly. The ebony-haired man would look devastatingly handsome as usual, his dark hair tied in a ponytail and his body encased in a leather jacket paired with black, ripped jeans that honestly, were fabulous for his arse if he may say so himself.

Step five; Lily herself, will smile fabulously and confess her undying love for him, despite her being married to James. Sirius will act flattered, as he always does, but he'll gently remind the red-head that he's gayer than a maypole.

Step six; She'll weep but thrust her dressed and fed son at him and insist that he take him to school, in return, Sirius'll give her the bagels and milk before taking Harry to school in side car of his motorcycle whilst Lily (still sobbing inconsolably, understandable as it's Sirius Black) waves from her peeling-painted door.

Step seven; Harry would sit in the side car and for once have his hair combed and sit still, lest something ruin his plan, like Harry falling of of the side car and smashing his head on the pavement. Because honestly, Sirius looked too fabulous to be in A&E right now.

Step eight; They would arrive at school and Sirius would leave Harry into his classroom, and Remus would see him, (Remus would be dressed in the most adorable/sexy outfit he owned) and swoon.

Step nine; The children and other parents/people trying to woo Remus would fade into the background, so that Sirius could snog the living daylights out of the tawny-haired male.

Step ten: Rip his clothes off/ or marry him, and then rip his clothes off. It depends on his morals.

Needless to say.

That didn't happen.

(Pagebreak)

Remus was just seeing off the rest of the children when a tug on his blue shirt alerted him of another's present. "Mister Lupin? My mummy isn't here yet!" Harry Potter said worriedly, his green eyes pooling with tears behind his circular glasses.

Remus bent down to his level and ruffled his messy black hair. Harry was possibly the smallest in his class, with his best friend Draco not much in front of him. Ronald Weasley was the tallest, and he seemed to be fiercely protective of the two younger boys.

"Don't worry, Harry! I'm sure your mummy is just running late!" Remus said brightly, although he couldn't stop the knot of anxiety forming in the pit of his stomach, Lily Potter was always early, and not once, in the entirety if Harry being at this school had she been late. Harry sniffed and tears fell down his plump cheeks, Remus's heart gave out to the small boy and he opened his arms and let the smaller boy fall into them.

"C'mon now Harry!" He mumbled soothingly, "No need for tears! Shall we go see if I've got some chocolate you can have?" Remus asked, and Harry pulled back, grinning and nodding through his pearly white tears. Glad that he could make the emerald-eyed child feel better, he grabbed his hand and led him over to his desk, rummaging about in the drawers and pulling out a bar of Cadbury's chocolate and handing it over.

"Here you go! Why don't you go play with the building blocks until your mum comes, huh? Miss Prewitt has her son Neville in with her today, do you want to go play building blocks with him?" At Harry's hasty nod, Remus let himself be dragged over to Alice's classroom where she seemed happy to allow Harry a chance to play with young Neville, one of his classmates. Remus slipped back into his own classroom and began tidying up, just in time for Lily Potter to run in, with a familiar looking ebony-haired man trailing behind her, as well as James Potter, who both looked terrified.

"Remus I am so sorry! I'm so sorry and where's Harry? Is he fretting? He always worries when and I'm late! And I wouldn't have been late if it hadn't of been for those two monkeys behind me! And I'm so sorry-"

"Hello, Mrs Potter." Remus says calmly, used to the red-heads slight dramatics by now, "Harry's in Miss Prewitt's class, playing with her son Neville and if you'd-" she dashed past him and out the door towards Alice's classroom, cutting Remus off. "...like to follow me." Remus finished off, he raised his eyebrows and shrugged, before going back to tidying up the classroom.

"Er...Remus, right?" James Potter asked, after a subtle punch in the ribs from his companion, "You're Harry's teacher, aren't you?" He attempted feebly, and Sirius rolled his eyes exasperatedly.

"Of course he's Harry's teacher you blithering idiot!"

"Shut up Padfoot!"

...

...Padfoot.

Padfoot. His cat's name.

Who else did he know that shared the same name as his cat, who lived close. And looked exactly like the man in front of him.

Oh god.

Oh godohgodohgod oh blithering god on a bicycle holding a chicken by its ankle.

The winky-face! He's about to get raped, he is, he just knows it! Remus could practically feel the colour drain from his face and he stumbled over a stray buzz lightyear and ending up on a heap on the floor. "Ow." He muttered, rubbing at his head where it collided full force with the floor as he struggled to sit up.

"Fuck! Are you alright mate?" James barked, squatting by his side and offering him a hand, "Did you hit your head?" Remus frowns and pulls his hand away, but there's no blood so he attempts to stands up and stumbles into the second man, 'Padfoot' with the winky face who he didn't even know was there.

"Crap! I'm sorry! I'm fine, absolutely fine!" The tawny-haired man babbles, managing to stand up straight but still having the man's arm looped around his waist. "Um, you can let go of me now." He can practically feel the mans smile beaming against the back of his neck, and that makes him blush a little bit, he's not quite sure whether or not he likes the feeling of his stomach being turned into a home for butterflies, but so far so good.

"Sorry!" The man, Padfoot, Sirius Black, guy with the winky face, who could possibly rape him any minute now, doesn't seem too apologetic but let's go of his grip on his waist anyway. Grinning over the top of his head at his annoyingly tall friend.

"Yes...um...yes of course, Mrs Potter's through here of you'd like to follow me." Remus traipsed through a long corridor until he found the Ravenclaw division, "Just in here..." He mumbled, opening the door and shooing the two older men into the brightly-lit classroom in front of him.

"Remus!" Alice said happily from her place perched on top of her desk chatting to Lily, "Hiya pet, I didn't see you at lunch duty today, where were you?" She announced, "You weren't working over lunch again, last time you did that, we had to get Kingsley man-handle down to the staff room and-"

"How many times do I have to tell you!? Remus whined, blushing fiercely, "I had a whole bullying ordeal to tend to! The poor kid was getting tramautized!"

"Remus." Alice said sternly, "You cat is not a child, and it certainly wasn't traumatised by the chubby cat upstairs stealing it's fish." Lily and James burst out laughing and Remus furrowed his eyebrows together.

"My Padfoot was crying for days I'll have you know. He had a scrap on his poor little face and everything!" James looked confused, "Padfoot? Have you two met before?"

Sirius smirked languidly, "Well, not technically, but-"

"MY CATS NAME IS PADFOOT!" The teacher blurted out nervously, his amber eyes widening, "Annnd I have to go clean the potted plant!" He walked quickly from Alice's classroom to his own, ignoring the emanating chuckles overflowing onto the corridors as he closed the door behind him. He leant against it and sighed wearily. Sometimes he doesn't know where he gets all the stupid excuses.

It's probably a brain default.

(Pagebreak)

_ Moony'sAWerewolf- So, uh, hi again. _

Remus smiled to himself when he hit send, it wasn't like Sirius was a bad guy, he was attractive, he seemed kind enough to catch him when he fell, they should meet up some time, get to know each other better-

**Padfoot'sMansbestFriend- I seen** **you** **today. ;)**

Jesus-ABORT ABORT! Pack away the laptop and run! Remus! You're about to be brutally stabbed forty-six times in the chest in an alleyway behind some Italian restaurant!

_Moony'sAWerewolf- Um,please don't kill me? _

"Play it safe moons, okay, okay. It's fine. It's good." Remus mutters to himself, his gaze locked on the bright-glowing screen of his laptop.

**Padfoot'sMansbestFriend- Oh Jesus! No I'm not some pervert! I was collecting my godson at school! **

'Okay, that's fine. Harry's his godson. Harry's a good kid, can't colour in inside the lines but he can burp the alphabet, that's gotta mean something right? Okay Remus, try and be a little bit flirty. '

_ Moony'sAWerewolf- umm, I'm still kinda terrified._

'That's just a bit pathetic, mate. Honestly. You call that flirting? No wonder you haven't had a date in months.'

**Padfoot'sMansbestFriend- I was talking to you. **

"Well, we didn't talk, not that much. I fell over and hit my head, and then you held me when I swooned dramatically and then 'forgot' to let go of my waist.

_ Moony'sAWerewolf- I know. Guy with the ponytail, right? _

"Oh god. The pony-tail, the really really sexy ponytail." Remus murmured to himself, blushing wildly and pushing a hand through his messy locks.

**Padfoot'sMansbestFriend- And the leather jacket. Wasn't I hawt? ;)**

"Jesus, a winky-face, and he spelt 'hot' wrong. But then again, the leather jacket was even hotter than the ponytail..."

_ Moony'sAWerewolf-...maybe a little. _

Remus sighed and rested his head on the over heating base of his laptop, "Okay." He breathed, reaching out blindly for his tea and curling his fingers around the spotted mug. "That went well, not much word vomit. I haven't cried yet. Okay. I can do this internet dating lark. Yeah."

**A/N PLEASE REVIEW AND IM SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING SOONER BUT ACK I AL,OST HAVE SIXTH REVIEWS AND IM DYING ON THE INSIDE THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU **

***ahem***

**-Lupin3black**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter a Four

Sirius jumped when his laptop pinged unexpectedly, a sharp 'Bing' pulling him from his current work induced lull. He lowered his current browser and opened up the other tab, grinning proudly when he noticed he had another message. Clicking on it, he quickly said a prayer hoping that it was Remus.

TheNameIsGorm; Hey...sexy. ;)

...So...not Remus then. Deciding to check out this person before he actually replied, Sirius click on the link to his profile and took a gulp of coffee. Almost spitting the hot liquid all over the laptop screen when the man appeared. He seemed to be in his late forties, with greying black hair cropped close to his head. In the picture he was scowling, his sharp features pulled down in a grimace. Sirius pulled a face, wondering if this slender-man lookalike maybe had a nice personality? He scrolled down the page and began reading.

**Name**; _Neil Gormsicle, but just call me Gorm ;) or Daddy. ;)_

Sirius balanced, his nose wrinkling in disgust. First of all, this guy used too many winky faces that it was slightly indecent, and second of all, his father is a prick, much like this 'Gorm' fellow is turning out to be.

**Age**; _I'm forty-three but I've got the libido of a twenty-six year old ;). _

Sirius may or not have just puked in his mouth.

**Where do you live?; **_I live with my mother in a one-bedroom flat in Croydon, but she goes to bingo on Thursdays and the bedroom is all mine ;)_

Fuck! Remus lives in Croydon! What if he knows this guy! What if this 'Gorm' knows Harry? Jesus! His godson could be being watched by this 'Gorm' twat!

**What is your perfect man?; **_I like a man who has big feet, if you know what I mean. ;) Who doesn't whine, and can take all of it. ;)_

Sirius knows now for definite that he will never be contacting this guy, ever, or reading the end of his profile, he definitely will not be reading his bio. The ebony haired man runs for the bathroom, a hand over his mouth as his stomach heaves, knowing that once he returns, the website-designer will be punching the 'Block' button so hard his monitor will combust.

(Pagebreak)

Remus took a bite of his toast and pulled his laptop onto his lap ('so that's where the name comes from! Huh!') as he curled up on the sofa, his cat Padfoot resting it's soft head on his sock-clad foot. He quickly logged in to and checked his messages, his eyebrows furrowing when he realised he had two, and not one of them was from Sirius. He tried not to be disappointed but couldn't help the small twist of disappointment in his stomach as he clicked on the first message.

**SayYes; YOU HAVE WON A VERY SPECIAL PRIZE! THIS IS NOT A JOKE! PLEASE CLICK 'HERE' TO COLLECT YOUR PRIZE!**

Remus rolled his eyes and exited the chat, he'd already fallen for one of them and had to get his whole laptop fixed because of the virus it had provoked in the device. He clicked on the other picture and was graced with a man who looked about twenty-eight, twenty-nine at the most.

_**TheBetterHalf; Hi! My name is Gideon Prewitt, I was wondering if you'd like to chat for a bit? Get to know each other a little? Although I'm also talking to another guy on here, I'd like to keep my options open.**_

Remus bit at his lip, should he reply? Gideon sounded nice and Sirius didn't seem to be speaking to him. Did he say something to offend Sirius? Maybe his word vomit had finally gotten to him, wouldn't be the first time someone left because of it...Fenrir...he was a prat and a half. He shook his head, trying to make himself forget about Greyback and paid more attention to Gideon's profile.

His hair was short but flopping into his blue eyes a little and was a bright ginger colour which was the shade that marmalade just so happened to be. Remus loved marmalade. His profile picture was him with his arm around a guy that looked completely identical to him only with a mole above his upper lip, they both seemed to be laughing at a joke the camera man was telling them.

Moony'sAWerewolf; Hello, I'm Remus, um...yeah, I'd like it if we spoke.

Remus clicked the send button before going back to the other's profile and reading his description.

**Name**; _Gideon Prewitt_

_**Age;**__ Twenty-seven_

_**Where do you live?; **__Hell no, you could be a creeper. _

_**What type of man do you like?**__; I like someone a but confident, but not too cocky. I also enjoy someone who can flirt, but doesn't flirt with everyone. He has to be different, not some plain old kid with high waisted cream trousers and brown loafers, someone to keep me on my feet. _

_**Bio**__; I'm a twin, my brother Fabian has a big part in my life. We recently shared a flat together until he got engaged to his fiancé, who's a lovely woman but made me realise that I wouldn't have my brother forever. I don't want to be taken care of, I'm a big boy, I can do that myself. But I want someone who'll love me. I'm not needy, nor am I whiny, but I'd like to have a day that we could spend with each other, just us. _

_I work as a chef in a small diner which I love, I've worked there since I was sixteen and will continue to work there until they kick me out. I've always loved cooking, I've cooked since I was little and it's one of my favourite pass times. _

_I don't have any pets or kids, but I'd love a child. A little girl, who I can call princess. I'm ready for a proper relationship, someone to settle down with and if you think you could fill that position, please contact me. _

_-Gideon Prewitt. _

**_TheBetterHalf; Hi again! Your profile makes you out to be a good person, not my usual type but I'm flexible, in more ways than one. ;)_**

Remus swallowed heavily, ...the...the winky face was back!

(Pagebreak)

Sirius leaned against his sink and took a long gulp of water, running a damp cloth over his clammy face soon after. He shook his head_, 'I need to talk to someone who won't make me throw up and Remus probably is busy, with him being a teacher and all, that's even if the bloke wanted to talk to me, honestly, he seems a little afraid of me, not like that'll stop me, I'll pick Harry up again tomorrow' _ Groaning, he pulled out his phone and scrolled through his contacts, trying to see who he could visit at half-seven at night.

"Hello...Gid? Alright mate? I was wondering if you were in, I'm bored and you always have beer. Okay? I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

**A/N **

**I know it's rubbish and not that funny, plus it's kind of a filler chapter, but Gideon is important! Trust me! I know that it's unlikely that the one guy Remus speaks to happens to know Sirius but it's all relevant. Who do you think the guy Gideon is also talking to is? **

**FOUR VERY IMPORTANT NOTICES!**

** 1-I'm now taking prompts, I'll write anything except smut. Only no SiriusOc RemusOc RemusTonks...or anything that pairs Remus and Sirius with anybody else but themselves. **

**2-I'm also on so if you want to check out my slash story on there my pen name in Scribblings! **

**3-Now on twitter as well! So if you want to follow me to know when. I'm writing/updating/reading follow me TinsOfBeans and tell me who you are!**

**4-Please read GetReadyToPanic's story In Your Absence! I'm the beta for it, and although so far it's only the prologue, he (yes, fanBOY) is such a good writer! It's a GeorgexMaleOc and really angsty, but he says it'll get cuter and funnier as Ronan (OC) comes into the story. **

**Long Author's Note I know, my apologies, but it was important! Please review!**

**-Lupin3Black**


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